The Subservient Friend

This weekend I witnessed two cases where people emotionally blackmail others to maintain friendships and I couldn’t help but be astonished at how conceited humanity can be! The amount of emotional baggage we carry around dumped on us from spouses, employers, landlords, and friend is a huge load to carry. What intrigued me most was the friends’ category. Being a bit careful not to term the others as acceptable, but let’s face it, we all tag along a lot of emotional baggage from family so much so that it may just be a necessary evil in some instances. Susan Forward in ‘Out of the FOG” defines emotional blackmail as the use of a system of threats and punishments on a person by someone close to them in an attempt to control their behaviors. FOG is the short form of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, which Susan says the blackmailer uses to get what they want from others.

Picture this; you have had a long time friend, closer than a brother/sister, twins if you can say so. However, both of your lives didn’t turn out the same and you end up being the poor relation so to say. Your friendship is ok until one day this big company calls you for an interview, ultimately opening a big door for you. With this comes the elegant two storey house in one of those neighborhoods on the other side of Uhuru Highway, a sleek top of the range vehicle and of course a new circle of friends. Or having been their plus one for ages, you meet this good looking person, hit it off and before you know it, bam, you are walking down the aisle. So everyone wakes up and notices that person who used to be in the shadows, now the object of attention. While before you would wait till your friend has had their fill to get a lift home from a party, now you can leave anytime you are bored since you have the means. That expensive drink whose name you couldn’t pronounce now glides from your tongue effortlessly.

Things are going on well yeah! Au contraire, your ‘loyal’ friend suddenly goes on the offensive, lashes at small things, questions this or that, tries to limit your exposure to the waiting world and vice versa. Or start using your emotions to get you back to the subservient friend you were. You see, to them you were useful as the poor relation which they are now bereft of. Being able to match them, they can no longer ‘use’ you for errands, or be their last option when a date cancels.

So what to do? When your ego-hungry pal feels you now don’t give them enough attention to validate themselves, simply walk away. No need to carry baggage and stay in a deleterious association when you can enjoy what the world has to offer. If you have to otherwise continue such a friendship, then choose to be impervious of the negativity. Remember if you cede ground then you build and feed a monster who will one day gobble you up!